diablahg

mother/baby day 2

2010-08-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

hi.

do we get any visitors today?

yeah. we'll come see you.

k. cuz we're still HERE.

The Mundy Morning Blues Band

2010-07-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

Aww, someone's got a case of the Mondays...

...Cuz it's Monday.

That's not very funny.

No. It's not... That's what makes it funny.

USA-Algeria

2010-06-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

57'
w: i hate soccer
h: it's so mean
91'
w: i think i'm going to cry
h: i almost passed out. still might
FT
h: i'm using your labor playlist to settle down
w: i've had 3 contractions in the last 15 minutes

variation on a theme

2010-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Please bless us with the moisture we need in our skin to keep us from feeling so itchy.

maternal words of wisdom

2010-03-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

• Your personality is not conducive to having a child.

• What?

• A baby is unpredictable from the time it's conceived 'til the day that you die.

sister carmen

2010-01-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

Now you can give those names to Sister Carmen.
I never see Sister Carmen anymore.
Oh yeah, because you're a nurser.
Yeah, I'm in the nursery all day.
Why aren't nurses called nursers? Nurse is something you do; not something you are.
Yep. Nursers nurse in the nursery.
Exactly. Just like nunners nun in the nunnery.
Ha. Nunners...

good question

2010-01-25T08:53:00.001-08:00

what was that?

a raisin.

why did you put it in my mouth?

the manta ray diet

2010-01-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

- Then there was that one episode where we found out that fish don't just have sex like humans.
- Yeah, they just release a cloud of one thing and a cloud of another, and hope they cloud together.
- And then the manta rays swoop in and eat it all.
- Mantas are gross.
- Manta rays eat fish sex for breakfast.

Day After Day

2010-01-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

Good morning sharp shooter.
Good morning deadeye dick.

Good morning Tony the Tiger.
Good morning Toucan Sam.

Good morning Captain America.
Good morning Mount Rushmore.

full circle with the lip tissue

2009-11-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

» Lips are weird. They're skin, but they're not normal skin.
« Yeah, true. They're half in your mouth and half on your face.
» Outside skin is all dry and lives on land, while the rest of your organ tissue basically lives under water.
« If outside skin is land creatures and inside tissue is underwater breathers, then lips are... amphibians.
» And amphibians are weird.

prayer one-liner

2009-10-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful to be leaving a clean house for a good job on a nice day.

1 Nephi 11:21–23 (and the most joyous)

2009-10-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

1. Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
2. Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
3. Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.

oh humans. and bands.

2009-08-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

• I tried to like them, but it never worked for me. But I tried so hard, because they had street-cred.
• It’s funny once you realize you’ve put way too much effort into trying to like a band.
• Yeah. I have done it many times. You try so hard because it seems like you SHOULD like them. When it’s something that is so trivial. If you don’t like a band when you first hear them, why on earth would you keep trying? Like it’s a chore?
• Yeah. It is a mission you must accomplish. Or else you are a failure.

touché, fiancée

2009-08-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

• How are you, Natalie?
• Good. How are you... ummm...
• You forgot my name?!
• And you forgot mine. It's Crystal.

r.i.p. fresh basil

2009-08-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Though it may be dead and tossed over the fence now, thanks so much for the gift of fresh basil. It has been so delicious.
Dead and tossed over the fence?!
Nature at its finest. And cruelest.

almost invitations

2009-08-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think a complete address list of 500 will be the most glorious sight I've ever beheld.
I second that motion.
...
Got an address.
Yes! Put it on the list!

moon! moon!

2009-08-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

Coolest moon in the west.
I don't see it!
But it's so cool! It's kinda low...
I see it! And whoa! Whoa... Arabian nights.

lots of locusts. anyone else?

2009-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

When I walked out of my home a rather large grasshopper jumped over my shoulder—I heard a micro-metallic bang—and the grasshopper came plummeting back over my shoulder and slid across the sidewalk. It was grasshopper antics at their finest.
Since when did they become so lively?
2009: The year of Clint & Cassie. I get the feeling it's their way of celebrating.

can you confirm or deny the time?

2009-07-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

• Did you ever find out anything about the meridiem fiasco?
• My best resources intimate that post meridiem is technically correct—but nothing just wants to tell us straight-up. The Chicago Manual of Style mentions post meridiem, but says nothing about post meridian at all, for example.
• So post meridiem is most correct and there is no post meridian?
• I am satisfied that meridian only exists on its own (as a noun) and meridiem only exists with a prefix, ante or post, (as an adjective).

what? no. oh eww.

2009-06-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

What has become of you sir?
Tore my right calf in an ultimate frisbee game. SNAP! But it's almost better.
You should try to injure yourself above the waist for a change. At any rate, I wish you a speedy recovery.
True! Maybe I can recruit a cute lady to cause a little lip trauma :P

girl power

2009-05-22T09:52:00.001-07:00

You did some impressive things in my dream last night, including a quadruple backflip from the pulpit landing in a seated position on a pew — amidst a full congregation no less!
Whoa. That is pretty impressive. It's all because I talked to that girl.

i was taught to call them pissants

2009-05-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

I've got ants in my plants!
In the basil?!
Yes! Ants!
What do we do?!
I don't know. For now I have removed the pot from the windowsill and placed it in a presumably ant-proof zone.
How did ants get 2 floors up and find that basil? Are there ants anywhere else in your house?
Never been ants here before.
Oh dear... do you think we will have to get rid of the plant or maybe transplant it to another location outside?
I just don't know anymore... It's getting so big and anty that it will almost certainly require a plan of action soon.

click text below to follow my latest life

2009-05-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

Do you still have a mustache?
I woke up and it was gone!

which would also explain the amplification

2009-04-08T13:58:00.001-07:00

Why do people put a fist in front of their mouth when coughing? It does nothing!
Only if they pucker their lips into their fist will it work.
This lady, one of the SEOs I hate, has been coughing WAY too loud, so I was spying and seeing what she was doing wrong, and it's that she is coughing onto a fist that she holds about 6 inches in front of her mouth.
Like she's holding an imaginary microphone to cough into?
Exactly.

this isn't rocket science

2009-04-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

So, help me out here. What's the opposite of rocket science?
Like, actual rocket science, or the term rocket science?
Well, the term, but I think you have to go somewhat literal to figure it out.
[conversation too long and twisty and funny to duplicate here]
...So crudely drawn buffalo is the opposite of rocket science!
Yeah! Rocket science is the discipline of launching people and objects away from earth and it is only possible to the most advanced minds.
And crudely drawn buffalo is painted on the wall of a cave, within the earth, by the most degenerate mind.

may as well make it a tribute

2009-04-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

1. How long have you known Bruce and in what capacity?
I've known 4-Slyce Bruce for nearly 8 years now. We served as LDS missionaries in Bulgaria. We attended BYU together and spent a semester as roommates during that time. We've been faithful members of the selfsame Pizza Club for 4 years now (thus the nickname "4-Slyce"). And we're good friends.
2. How would you say he deals in cross-cultural situations?
4-Slyce is, no joke, probably the best "people person" that I know. Cultural differences can't touch him; he simply transcends them. He has a social network the size of Olympus Mons and—though predominantly white—its constituents come from all sorts of cultures and countries. Answer: He deals very well.
3. How would you say he navigates challenges?
A humble man, 4-Slyce is not afraid to seek advice from any of his many knowledgeable sources. That is his strength. He will always find a way to navigate his challenges even if it means involving a friend or family member.
4. Do you feel that there are any “red flags” that we should be aware of?
Nah. This is 4-Slyce Bruce we're talking about, after all.

from the mouths of babes

2009-03-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

If you weren’t a Mormon, what would you be?
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't be too different—because I can't stand irresponsibility.
(correct answer: a giant)
Well, I know I certainly wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be in the same place I am now.
Yeah, true, I guess I wouldn't be the same person I am.
Ah ha. I know exactly what I'd be if I weren’t a Mormon.
What?
A recluse.
Like a hermit?
Yeah. I would live a solitary life—probably growing bitter toward humanity as I brooded and wrote my misunderstood stories and songs.
Oh, you'd be one of those.
Yep.
I'd probably be out looking for old, nearly dead, rich guys to marry.
A grave robber?
A gold digger. You were close.

what do you mean

2009-03-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

What do a civilization's laws say about its people?
Well, if laws govern, then the laws may indicated areas where the people do not do a good job of governing themselves.
Good. What do you mean?
Um, I don't know. I mean, I do know what I mean… I just already said it how I meant it.

be gentle with me

2009-03-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

• My dear friend Jimmy Nelson came frightfully close to breaking my leg today.
•• Oh my goodness! Are you okay?!
• Yeah. Just experiencing some blunt force trauma.
•• Does it hurt to walk on it?
• It's bearable. I'll try again in a bit. Right now it's under ice.

anticlimactics

2009-03-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm rich.
That's awesome! Make sure you're planning for your retirement.
Don't you want to know how?
Certainly.
From my bro.
That's quite the story.
I thought you would like it.

i'm crazy about this guy. crazy.

2009-03-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

You will love this. Right? Because A: It's Kristofer Åström. And because B: It's almost as if Matt Pond is playing the music and Kristofer Åström is singing the song.

Nice. Me like. Much love while listening.

a star is born

2009-03-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

» What's up? I hope you have fun at your party.
»» Thanks, Randy. I'm still a little bit sick, which is annoying. What are you up to?
» Kicking the neighbor's butt in B-ball.

trying to tell a story

2009-02-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

• So, you know how everyone, at least once, has shot the ball on the wrong hoop before?
••• ...
• Well, I grabbed the ball on the rebound and somebody hit my arm and made me shoot the ball...
••••• No one hit your arm!
• Yes they did!
••••• No they didn't!
• Well, I grabbed the ball and for a second I thought it was our hoop and I started to shoot, but when I remembered, someone hit my arm and made me shoot it on the wrong hoop.
••••• No they didn't. You shot it on the wrong hoop. It's okay.
• Well it was right after half time so we had just switched sides.
••••• No it wasn't.
• Yeah it was.
••••••• It was.
••••• Okay, fine. It was.
• And the refs were making fun of me like they have never shot on the wrong hoop before.
••••• Maybe they haven't.
• No, they have. EVERYONE HAS.
••••••••• They're like 12.
• I'm 12.
••••••••• I know. Actually, I thought you were 11.

good news! from the new cmo (with classic getting-old joke)

2009-02-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

••• Okay, I’ve broken through the red tape. It may take a couple days for IT to get past its current projects and get to you, but everyone on the Web Marketing team will get admin access to their machines courtesy of Rich Foster. Enjoy!
••••• Thank you. When I am administering to my computer I will be thinking of you.
••• I am already feeling the warmth. Oh, maybe that’s just my Depends.

confidence

2009-02-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

» You are a good-looking man. You are a good-looking man.
« Are you talking to yourself, Richard?
» Yes. Richard, you are a good-looking man.

renewed awe

2009-02-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

— Um, I don't think it's a good idea to take Randy to temples.
— That's why, no matter how hard he tries, we need to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House just you and I.

first counselor, but not for long

2009-02-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

^ Will you not marry me?
^ No.

you can see, she can sew

2009-02-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

{} The bag is a big hit sweetheart! Nobody even believes that I did it... They asked if I used some kind of kit.
{} Yes! In their faces! I'm so happy for you.

lewis is put out about it

2009-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

» Is that a "Lewis" Oh boy or an "I just found ten dollars in my pocket" Oh boy?
» I think you know the answer to that. The latter is almost always followed by an exclamation point and almost never preceded by "Lewis said."

new pizza president takes action

2009-02-02T12:57:00.001-08:00

I saw Sensei yesterday for the first time since his wedding.
Was he walking around without his wife?
His wife was sick. I stopped by his house to take away his pizza club shirt.

sometimes the best pat is an absent pat

2009-01-13T08:48:00.000-08:00

• That guy's got a droopy eyelid.
• It's a fake eye.
• No it's not!
• Yes it is!
• No you don't!
• ??
• Um... you don't know that.

now that i talk to 12-year-olds

2009-01-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had ranch sauce on pizza?
Actually, yeah, I have. A number of times.
It's disgusting!
I think it can be pretty good sometimes, depending on the pizza.
I know the kid that invented it.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he was the type of kid who would dip a cookie in barbecue sauce.

understanding the family dog

2009-01-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

• Why do you hate me?
• It's not that I hate you; it's just that, when you do certain things, you look really stupid.

first blood botch

2009-01-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

» It was my first time giving blood.
» Ooh, I love giving blood! How was it?
» It was okay, I guess. Not great.
» Really? I like pumping that blood out as fast as possible.
» Well, the thing is, it took forever. Those hotshot Walburg Brothers showed up like 10 minutes after I did, and they still got out of there before I even donated a drop of blood.
» What happened?
» So, first, I guess I wasn't in the right line so a few people edged me out that way, but I still went in before the Walburgs. I took my little test and was seated with reasonable speed, but then I kept getting passed off from volunteer to volunteer. While my nurses were telling people to come watch me for a sec, the Walburgs were being seated and hooked up. Finally, my original nurse came back and apologized for the wait. Then she plugged a needle into my left arm, but she was all, "Kim can you come over here?"
» Oh no.
» So, I didn't dare look at my arm, but apparently the needle was in yet no blood was coming out. Then Kim tries adjusting the needle and they're both like, "eep." At that point I look at my arm and it's pretty well covered in blood.
» Oh man.
» I'm getting a little worried, and they start asking me if I'm alright, and I can only tell them "if you say I'm alright then I'm alright," and they say I'm alright. And I was. So then they switched me to a different chair and did my right arm, but by the time I was switching to my new chair, those hotshot Walburg Brothers were already done and out the door.

my new companion

2008-12-30T12:53:00.000-08:00

What's up?
Home teaching in 5.5 hours. What's up?
Getting pumped.

How the MASK Stole Christmas

2008-12-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

© Do you like How the Grinch Stole Christmas?
® Well, I haven't watched it since like Y2K, so I don't remember really.
© Well, I've never really liked it and I think I figured out why: because it reminds me too much of The Mask. It might as well be a sequel to it.
® So, How the Mask Stole Christmas.

there were babies at kneaders

2008-12-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

I know you've got more important things to worry about than an old sandwich, so here's what I'm going to do: I'll eat your sandwich (probably) for lunch. But don't be mad 'cuz I will make it up to you. Possibly by buying you another sandwich or food item of equal or greater value.
Be careful!...there are onions in it.
Thanks, I will. I will be wary of your germs as well.
I have not the slightest idea of what you are talking about (girls don't have germs).
Excellent! I'll take your word for it. But if I find even one germ...
...If you find one germ and show it to me, I will write you the best letter of apology you have ever seen.

taking the blame

2008-12-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

You phrase things strange.
That's my fault.

Christmas isn't about money

2008-12-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Any word on Christmas bonuses?
They're giving away thousands like it's nothing this year. Big stockings full of hot, sweaty cash.
Right on. Just like the ones I wear.

so says sierra

2008-11-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

» My parents live in Blanding, and my brother lives in Bountiful.
« I have brothers, and they live in Blanding.
» Oh? What are their names?
« ...Grandma and Grandpa.

i love a good nickname

2008-11-11T17:47:00.001-08:00

° did you make up leadbottom?
` no. i was/still am called that as a child. my grandpa started it. cuz i insisted on walking but couldn't go fast and couldn't make it over puddles etc.
° does bottom refer to the bottom of your feet, or just bottom?
` bottom. of my body. my bottom.
° that word is doing weird things to my brain right now.
` yeah. we'll work on putting lead in front of it tomorrow.
° okay.

prehistoric pet experience

2008-11-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

›› Mandrake just molted right before my eyes. It was awesome.
» Oh, I'm sad I missed it. That's cool though.
›› It might have been his last molt, actually. It looks a little like he's dying now.
» Oh no, sad. Take pictures. For posterity.
›› Definitely. And then the quaint little desk is yours... I think he pulled out of the post-molt funk! Maybe that's normal?
» Good. He is the immortal one after all.

sunday mash

2008-11-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

What does MASH stand for?
Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House.
Oh, really?
Yeah. That's where it comes from.
I always thought a mash was like a crush.
Like, I have the biggest mash on this girl?
Yeah. Not that I ever said that—I have a massive mash.
I like it.
But it's more than a crush. It's a crush that is your perfect match.
And that's how you get MASH.

Real Salt Lake Playoffs // Game 1 // Nov. 1, 4pm

2008-10-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

› So you got your tickets from Mr. Barnes?
» Yep. Up on the balcony. I think I’m going to like them. Have you been up there?
› No. I’d be interested to see what it’s like.
» I’m afraid I might like them better than my season tickets.
› If there’s enough interest I hope they offer them for season tickets.
» Yeah. That’d be perfect, based on liking to see the entire field. And I’m not like Darren—I don’t need the players and refs to hear me.
› They don’t hear him. That’s the thing. He hears himself and that’s enough. Hearing himself is all the vindication he needs.

where does denver do its pizza

2008-10-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

§ I think we should eat at the best pizza place in all of Denver while we're there.
£ A Denver local recommended Beau Jo's. One problem though, the local is a girl.
§ Girls can't be trusted in pizza matters. According to Citysearch the best pizza is Virgilio's Napoletana.
£ Then again, Citysearch has The Pie at #1 and Litza's at #4, with only 3 good places in the top 10.
§ Beau Jo's website has someone mountain biking on pizza though.
£ That is undeniable.

first cassava

2008-10-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

• I just realized that that cake tastes like a sweet, soft, moist, cheeseless Cheeto.
• Sick.
• I'm serious. I tasted Cheeto. It was good.
• Cheetos are a scourge on this earth.
• You oppose them?
• The whole world should reject them. They are vile. No cheese is bright orange. Without artificial means.
• Indeed. But you love the Tagalog cake.
• Cassava cake.

the temple, your nuptials

2008-10-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

»» Dude, another ex of yours is sealed forever!!!!
» Shhhh. She's online. She could hear you.
»» I know, sorry, that was loud. What's ttyn? Is that secret married code?
» I guess. I was trying to figure it out.
»» Are you allowed to chat with her?
» No way! You're not either. She's married.
»» Ta ta you numbskull...?
» Hey, yeah?
»» I think that's what it is.
» Nincompoop?
»» Does she love Mean Girls?
» I wouldn't put it past her. She loves some movies. Take turns yes no.
»» Hmmmm. To Tom yield necking....? Is Tom her husband's name?
» Almost. It's not, though. Take time young neighbor. Maybe tool time, young neighbor. Isn't that what Wilson says?
»» Hmmm, maybe. Another favorite show of hers?
» Yeah. Tim Taylor, your neighbor.

better than monday

2008-10-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

» Are you in that meeting? I totally forgot about it.
» Meeting?
» Apparently our quarterly update meeting was today at 8:30.
» Huh. Oops.
» Don't worry, we can hear it through the floor.

preservingmarriage.org // proposition eight // video 1

2008-10-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

• I don’t see how same sex marriage really hurts anyone else. Really, what’s the harm?
• If Proposition 8 fails, there are a whole bunch of consequences. Did you know that churches that rent out their facilities for marriages could be forced to allow same sex marriage ceremonies on their properties?
• And because the California Supreme Court has made same sex marriage a fundamental right, legal defenses based on religious freedoms are less likely to succeed.
• If Proposition 8 fails, religious adoption agencies may be forced to place children in same sex marriages or discontinue providing adoption services altogether. That’s what happened with Catholic charities in Massachusetts after its courts imposed same sex marriages.
• Based on past experience, those who oppose same sex marriage on religious grounds will be increasingly labeled as intolerant, and subjected to legal penalties or social ridicule; it’s already happening in the debate over Prop 8. Some who support traditional marriage are having their careers threatened. This won’t be limited to California as its powerful influence is felt across the country.
• Did you know that nearly all public schools in California provide education about health and sexuality? If Prop 8 fails, children will be taught that marriage is between Party A and Party B, regardless of gender.
• Children will be taught that same sex marriages are the equal of traditional marriages. There will be serious clashes between the public schools and parents who desire to teach their children their own values and beliefs.
• If Proposition 8 fails, it will affect everyone. For example, the change of the legal definition of marriage could narrow personal liberties. Some have already been lost—like photographers who prefer not to photograph gay weddings and doctors who prefer not to perform artificial insemination of gays, even when there are other willing doctors.
• It’s been said, “the right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” You see, although the argument of redefining marriage is couched in happiness or equal rights, it’s really about gaining control, forcing all of us to give up the very foundation of speech and religious freedoms on which this country was founded.

big furniture worship

2008-10-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

• Hey, I was wondering if you could help us out with something. We need a bunch of guys to help us move the couch upstairs downstairs. And the couch downstairs upstairs. And the same with both big screens. Can you help with a bunch of people today?
» Do you have to move them tonight? I'm in St. George, and I'll probably get home between 8 and 9. I'd be happy to help tomorrow. Is it a necessity tonight?
• Yeah, a necessity tonight. If you could get 5 guys that would be awesome.
» Are you in church?
• No.
» Okay. If you could text me the reason for the Sunday night move and a time, I can text my roommate at church, and he could ask for volunteers in quorum.
• We just can't move some of it cuz it's heavy. James wants the basement all to himself and all of us upstairs, so we have to flip-flop everything. It wouldn't take even an hour.
» I still don't understand why it can't wait until tomorrow. I don't feel good about enlisting people to work on Sunday doing something that could be done Monday.
• Because this is the last day I will have off for a while and same for them.
» Well I could probably grab a couple guys when I get back. Who planned this thing anyway?
• Nobody, we just all have today off.

jim carrey, my secretary (secrecarrey)

2008-10-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

» Hey I'm going to be a few minutes late, as nature started to call just as I was walking out the door!

» Who is this, Ace Ventura?

» Allllrighty then!

matthew 18:1–4

2008-10-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

• Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
• Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

ultimately not funny

2008-09-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

+ Is Steve here?
- No.
+ Is your dad here?
- I wish! He’s in jail.

front desk over the wall

2008-09-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you for calling XanGo, this is Kathy.
(phone talk phone talk phone talk)
It's a dietary supplement drink.
(more phone talk more phone talk)
Uh, no, it isn't Papa John's.

The Escaped W.W. Phelps

2008-08-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

:: Say, stranger, G--d damn you, what is your name?
:: You damned rascals, what is yours?
:: Oh, you are one of the real breed. By G--d, no damned Mormon could counterfeit that language, you swear real natteral; hurrah for old Kentuck. But whar mought you live, stranger?
:: Just up here; you mout a kno'd me, and then agin you moutn't. I think I've seed you all a heap o' times, but I've been so damned drunk at the fourth of independence, I hardly know myself or anybody else, but hurrah for old Kentuck; and what about the damn'd Mormons?
:: What about `em? egad, you'd a know'd that without axin', if you'd a seed `em run.
:: What! they are not out of prison, are they?
:: Out of prison! Yes, the damn'd rascals raised a flag of liberty in open day, and burst out, and down stars right in the midst of the public celebration, out rassling the damn'd jailer, and outrunning the whole town in a fair foot race. They reached the timber jist as they war overtaken, but afore we could cotch `em they mounted their nags, and the way they cleared was a caution to Crockett. We tuk one on `em, and seed the other two a few feet distant, rushin' their nags at full speed, but we couldn't cotch `em nor shoot `em either; I raised my new Kentucky rifle, fresh loaded and primed, with a good percussion, and taking fair aim at one of their heads only a few yards distant, I fired, but the damn'd cap burst, and the powder wouldn't burn.
:: Well, now, stranger, that's a mighty big story and seems enemost onpossible. Did you say you cotched one on `em? Why I'd a tho't you'd a kilt him on the spot; what have you done with him?
:: They tuk him back to prison, I suppose, but it was only the old one. If it had been one o' them tother chaps we would a skinn'd `em as quick as Crockett would a coon, and then eat `em alive without leaving a grease spot.

Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, Ch. 33

since i reserved the right

2008-07-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

It slid out of my bag and I just let it go when I realized that my socks didn't match, and I decided I better just get to the meeting—

—The fasten-seatbelt sign is on, so it's safe for you to stay seated as well as those around you.

getting married guy

2008-07-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

i went shopping for my ring yesterday. it was hard because i had no idea what a cool ring is.
it's hard to know.
yeah, because rings aren't cool.
you might as well be trying to pick out a cool necklace.

all day shopping

2008-07-22T20:38:00.001-07:00

º There are so many ugly tops in the world.

º And they all want you to wear them.

* Alternate ending: And they all want you to spin them.

chadder's

2008-07-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

—I just looked—I don't think they gave you any cheese!

—Those cads! More like Cadders.

konik polne

2008-07-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

1. I drove all the way to work with a grasshopper on my dashboard. It was making me so nervous.

2. I should think it would be a nerve-tantalizing affair. At any moment it could have fluttered into a claustrophobic frenzy, slapping your face at least once, guaranteed, probably just to the side of your mouth making you realize that you should keep your mouth closed while freaking out.

multiplicity (work on cultural sensitivity)

2008-06-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

• Does she like P*lack Jokes?
• I don't think so. We talked about it once. But that was a long time ago.
• Does she get mad about them?
• Nah.
• It's not like I like them or anything. Just curious. P*lack jokes are actually really dumb. Second dumbest to blonde jokes. That are actually interchangeable. Just change P*lack to Blonde.
• Yeah. I think the word P*lack is kind of funny though, even though I think it's offensive to the Polish people.
• It's like Spaniard to the Spanish people I think. I didn't understand what a P*lack was forever, but I knew the jokes like the back of my hand.
• Yeah. I think that's why I liked the word. Coz I always just had a weird image of what a P*lack was in my mind, completely unassociated with Poland.
• I imagined guys that looked like Gilligan for some reason, or even more like the little guy on Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
• Ha. I imagined a pale, bald, doughy type of clone person.
• Not even a real person? That's crazy.
• Like on Multiplicity, even though this was before its time, how each clone gets stupider. I imagined that's why they were so stupid.
• Oh. Like the Michelin Man?
• A little bit. Michelin Man's body with a Mr. Clean head.
• Ha. So Krang's body then.
• Haha. Yes. Basically, a P*lack was Krang to me.
• I can see that I guess. I did always picture them in gray mechanic- or inmate-like jumpsuits too. I don't know where that came from.
• Yeah. I don't think they ever had separate pants from shirts in my mind. Some sort of onesy.
• I wonder why that is. It is definitely dopier looking.
• I think I would really be into P*lack Jokes if that's really what P*lacks were.
• That's true. I think that's what ruined them was finding out what a P*lack really was.

more to murray

2008-06-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

) You are good at me getting a couch.
( ?. I'm not quite sure what that means. I'm pretty sure that's a compliment though...
) Yeah. And I liked the way it sounded, confusing though it may be.

delorean+garage≠good fit

2008-06-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

) I need my Christmas bonus to be HUGE.
) We all do. I hope it's 100-fold my last bonus.
) I hope mine is at least worth a Mercedes Benz.
) Or a Delorean? Which you can just buy now.
) But it would never work in my garage!
) Hahaha. That is so true!
) It seems like it would wreak havoc in most garages. I wonder if anyone just bought one and then drove it into their garage, only to have havoc wrought.
) Drove into their garage, never to leave again because it is a prison. And they are still there today.
) I'm sure it's happened.

draft saved 12/10/07

2008-06-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

) Meanwhile I think I'm on the verge of getting that 27-year-old for my date.
) Aha.
) That is, if she don't have plans that night.
) Should make for an interesting night.
) If she can't make it, then surely I will be stag. Slint the shameful stag.
) Prolly not the only one.
) True.
) You should try harder as EQP. You have a standard to set. The standard of truth needs to be erected.
) Yeah, well I'm to the point now where all I want is 27.
) Did you ask her?
) No. I just met her. Finally. We hit it off nicely, but I didn't have a clear window to ask her for it. We hung out a little last night with a bunch of people, and a bunch of people at midnight wasn't a good place for me. She asked me to give the spiritual thought at FHE tonight. So I will do that, then BAM!
) Nice. You could've said, "I will if YOU WILL go out with me." BAM!
) Yeah, I thought of that later. BAM!
) I think after you ask her out, you should actually say "BAM!" Maybe wait until she says yes, though, in case you scare the crap out of her.
) Ha. I will plan on it. Maybe pound my fist on the nearest table, too.
) For effect.
) It would be sweet if I had some boards or bricks there that I could karate chop in half. For effect.
) Or just do the karate kid move, the crane? Just kick whatever's closest to you.
) Ha. This is going to be great.

merriment

2008-06-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

) too much merriment going on around me at the office. i need to do something to break everyone's spirits so i can get some work done...
) hmm. how best to break their spirits... tell them they are ugly?

the elusive tan

2008-05-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

hopefully you can get a tan while you're gone.
yeah, hopefully i can.
you'll be in hawaii, how can you not?
you'd be surprised how i can not.

trespassers william

2008-05-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

) I already looked into expunging my criminal history record. It looks doable.
) Ha. Hacking the computers?
) That's one way. My way involves more trespassing.
) Well, since you're a budding pro, I say go for it.
) I think I've learned what to do and what not to do.
) No gloves, no fu man chu facial hair, no crazy skateboarding friends.
) Exactly. I work alone now. No accomplices, including mustaches.

ex-fc

2008-05-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Your brother!
I know
Sucks

hot eats. cool treats. strong words.

2008-04-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I hate you, Ken.
Well, you didn't get me ice cream.
You didn't ask for ice cream—
You coulda thought about me.
—and you're on a diet.

takotsubo cardiomyopathy

2008-04-30T15:13:00.001-07:00

Wow, some friend I am. I guess I'm just all talk these days. But seriously, last night was the stupidest thing I've been a part of.
Was that an apology?
Yes. Seems like I have to apologize every day.
Hey, crazy stuff happens, what do you do?
Just apologize, then send your friends to work in their nicest or dirtiest clothes.
Job well done then.

in its place

2008-04-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

• more personal?
• more inspirational at least
• yes
• preferably both
• oh! sincere!
• of course, how could i forget

assonance, consonance, alliteration

2008-04-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

They usually give things like silk shirts.
They gave me cowboy boots.
That's not too different a gift for the Giffords to give.
I guess.

off the hook—a tribute

2008-04-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

) How does that make you feel?
) Off the hook.
) Like, "man, that party was off the hook!"?
) No. No, no, no. Well, yes, I suppose like that... but I mean I am literally off the hook. Now that Runnerka has that boyfriend and Cheeks has her fiancé, I think I get to be guiltless.
) Literally, no more meat hook in your back. Making you bleed literal blood.
) No more Eagle Claw treble hook in my gullet.
) So you are feeling good about all that.
) I am feeling good about all that, and jealous about all them.

NOTE: gullet kind of sounds like guilt, so... make a metaphor out of that?

scab city fiction

2008-04-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

“You just wakin’, Thick? Tell us about scab city.”
“Scab city is hell.”
“Population: 100?”
“Population: at least.”

business practice

2008-04-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

) They just hired 2 new non-4-Slyces.
) They are just loading up on non-4-Slyces.
) This is ridiculous. And there's no space for them. Everyone keeps going nuts trying to figure out where they will sit and I keep telling them that there would be plenty of room for all if we had just hired 1 4-Slyce instead of 5 girls.
) Sheesh. Hiring everybody but 4-Slyce.
) I am thinking that he didn't get hired because he's a boy.
) That's not good business practice. We've been hiring lots of girls too, instead of boys that can play soccer with us and that won't cause affairs.
) I just asked out loud if they are only hiring girls on purpose and they said "that's discriminating," but I think that's what they are thinking—that clients like dealing with girls better, or something like that.
) Surely. I don't like dealing with girls better. I like it worse. Much, much worse.
) Me too. I can't fathom how much more enjoyable work would be with 4-slyce here. I know everyone would love him. And he could ask the 5 girls on dates all day long. Like ALL day.

with long hair

2008-04-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

} That's you?
) Yeah.
} Really??
) Yep.
} That one right there, that's you??
) Yes.
} ... No way. That one??
) No. Not that manly one—
) —Isn't that your mom?
) Oh yeah, I guess it is.

tracker

2008-04-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

) maybe you should consider a career in tracking of some sort.
} if by "a career in tracking" you mean "a career in spending the night in dinosaur tracks" then consider it considered.

soccer fan lesson fan

2008-04-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

} They need to get a result, or only lose by one, and that not occurring in injury time.
) Only lose by one?? Is that what this once proud club has devolved into? It doesn't matter if we lose by one or five. It's all about the result at this point. PPG. Nothing else. The Kreis clock is ticking, and no "moral losses" will help.
} You know what? I say screw that. I follow the team because I like soccer, and I like the idea that I have a team to support, and if I think the team played well I reserve my right to be perfectly happy with a 1-point road loss to a team that may well be the best in the league. Especially with a group of guys who met in February. Screw that "culture of defeat" and "moral losses" crap and allow me a modicum of liberty in determining how good I perceive the product on the field to be. I think (and I don't want to blow anyone's mind or anything, but I'm crazy like this) that I could even be unhappy with a 1-0 win if I thought we played sloppy ball and lucked our way into an odd goal. How's them apples? Unhappy with 3 crap points, but satisfied with an occasional well-played loss? Hell yeah. If that makes me a bad soccer fan (don't give me crap about it being "a way of life" in other places, because I just don't care), then so be it, but please don't tell me how to judge my team.

triangles 072406

2008-03-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

) which triangle do you think you are:
isosceles
acute
equilateral
scalene
or right triangle?

) isosceles?
maybe?
i'd hate to be acute or obtuse
or right
scalene maybe
i like that
isos or scal

) i like the way isoscelesees look

) me too
but i like the definition of scalene
and i like the sound of them both

) in all reality you're probably scalene

) agreed

) what are the odds of having two sides the same?

) 15-20%

) negligable

spelling 061506

2008-03-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

) how do you spell braziere? brazeer?
) the first. but not quite. brassiere.
) whoa. that's classy.
) yeah. they are.

synonyms 051906

2008-03-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

) Rick said your girlfriend is cute.
) I'm glad Rick admits to you what he'd never say to me.
) He said "She's kinda cute." Just for your records.
) He said to me, "Why's one eye bigger than the other?"

o salvador

2008-03-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

) Should I ask Lisa if she's single?
} Why wouldn't she be?
) Well... why wouldn't she be? ... I mean, why couldn't she be?
} That's what I just said!
) I mean, she could be dating someone.

wherever we are ))(( jacob 5:20 & 21

2008-03-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

) How comest thou hither to plant this tree, or this branch of the tree? For behold, it was the poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard.
) Counsel me not; I knew that it was a poor spot of ground; wherefore, I said unto thee, I have nourished it this long time, and thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit.

i need a ride home (pass the buck)

2008-03-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

} you wanna come to my house after work?
} again? i want to go to bed is what.
} you should come over.
} meh.
} just for a second.
} i think sally was talking about wanting to go to your house. right, sal? after work? just for a second?
) huh?
} is that true?
) so confused.
} james wants to have you over.
} yeah, you should come.

koalas

2008-03-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

) i like their attitude, all silent and lazy
) so chill
) and it could hold your wallet for you. in its pocket
) and their big noses are like muppet noses
) yes! those noses are hilarious

timely, from the visual infant

2008-03-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

} I enjoy things way too much before they even happen, not quite enough while they happen, and not at all right after they're over. Is that wrong?

} So maybe, when they don't happen it's like "big deal" to you, since the exciting part is over anyway. (Can anybody say Iceland? Can you?)

i couldn't have said it better myself. no one could.

2008-02-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

} I like thinking of a literal "power point" though. Like this dot glowing with power.
) hahaha. But what kind of power?
} I don't know. I never got that far. Not priesthood.

) Wizard power?

} haha I like that. I laughed until I coughed.

in and out

2008-02-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

) i like the looks of this weather! all snow piles are nearly gone! oh i guess i should go check on the snow-keep in the gateway parking lot... the pile of snow there is SO HUGE. under the overpass.
) my garage ice speed bumps have melted away.
) excellent. now you can roll out of your garage with ease?
) yes! and fast. with speed.

morning monolahg

2008-02-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

} Stupid bet.
} Not stupid bet. Awesome bet.
} Awesome thing to say.
} Not awesome thing to say. Stupid thing to say.
} Overall: awesome thing to say.

looks like type

2008-02-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

) is that what you're doing right neow?
) i can't decide if "neow" looks more like "neon" or "meow."
) it looks like "neo wow."