understanding the family dog

• Why do you hate me?
• It's not that I hate you; it's just that, when you do certain things, you look really stupid.

first blood botch

» It was my first time giving blood.
» Ooh, I love giving blood! How was it?
» It was okay, I guess. Not great.
» Really? I like pumping that blood out as fast as possible.
» Well, the thing is, it took forever. Those hotshot Walburg Brothers showed up like 10 minutes after I did, and they still got out of there before I even donated a drop of blood.
» What happened?
» So, first, I guess I wasn't in the right line so a few people edged me out that way, but I still went in before the Walburgs. I took my little test and was seated with reasonable speed, but then I kept getting passed off from volunteer to volunteer. While my nurses were telling people to come watch me for a sec, the Walburgs were being seated and hooked up. Finally, my original nurse came back and apologized for the wait. Then she plugged a needle into my left arm, but she was all, "Kim can you come over here?"
» Oh no.
» So, I didn't dare look at my arm, but apparently the needle was in yet no blood was coming out. Then Kim tries adjusting the needle and they're both like, "eep." At that point I look at my arm and it's pretty well covered in blood.
» Oh man.
» I'm getting a little worried, and they start asking me if I'm alright, and I can only tell them "if you say I'm alright then I'm alright," and they say I'm alright. And I was. So then they switched me to a different chair and did my right arm, but by the time I was switching to my new chair, those hotshot Walburg Brothers were already done and out the door.

my new companion

What's up?
Home teaching in 5.5 hours. What's up?
Getting pumped.

How the MASK Stole Christmas

© Do you like How the Grinch Stole Christmas?
® Well, I haven't watched it since like Y2K, so I don't remember really.
© Well, I've never really liked it and I think I figured out why: because it reminds me too much of The Mask. It might as well be a sequel to it.
® So, How the Mask Stole Christmas.

there were babies at kneaders

I know you've got more important things to worry about than an old sandwich, so here's what I'm going to do: I'll eat your sandwich (probably) for lunch. But don't be mad 'cuz I will make it up to you. Possibly by buying you another sandwich or food item of equal or greater value.
Be careful!...there are onions in it.
Thanks, I will. I will be wary of your germs as well.
I have not the slightest idea of what you are talking about (girls don't have germs).
Excellent! I'll take your word for it. But if I find even one germ...
...If you find one germ and show it to me, I will write you the best letter of apology you have ever seen.

taking the blame

You phrase things strange.
That's my fault.

Christmas isn't about money

Any word on Christmas bonuses?
They're giving away thousands like it's nothing this year. Big stockings full of hot, sweaty cash.
Right on. Just like the ones I wear.