full circle with the lip tissue

» Lips are weird. They're skin, but they're not normal skin.
« Yeah, true. They're half in your mouth and half on your face.
» Outside skin is all dry and lives on land, while the rest of your organ tissue basically lives under water.
« If outside skin is land creatures and inside tissue is underwater breathers, then lips are... amphibians.
» And amphibians are weird.

prayer one-liner

I'm thankful to be leaving a clean house for a good job on a nice day.

1 Nephi 11:21–23 (and the most joyous)

1. Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
2. Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
3. Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.

oh humans. and bands.

• I tried to like them, but it never worked for me. But I tried so hard, because they had street-cred.
• It’s funny once you realize you’ve put way too much effort into trying to like a band.
• Yeah. I have done it many times. You try so hard because it seems like you SHOULD like them. When it’s something that is so trivial. If you don’t like a band when you first hear them, why on earth would you keep trying? Like it’s a chore?
• Yeah. It is a mission you must accomplish. Or else you are a failure.

touché, fiancée

• How are you, Natalie?
• Good. How are you... ummm...
• You forgot my name?!
• And you forgot mine. It's Crystal.

r.i.p. fresh basil

Though it may be dead and tossed over the fence now, thanks so much for the gift of fresh basil. It has been so delicious.
Dead and tossed over the fence?!
Nature at its finest. And cruelest.

almost invitations

I'm starting to think a complete address list of 500 will be the most glorious sight I've ever beheld.
I second that motion.
...
Got an address.
Yes! Put it on the list!

moon! moon!

Coolest moon in the west.
I don't see it!
But it's so cool! It's kinda low...
I see it! And whoa! Whoa... Arabian nights.

lots of locusts. anyone else?

When I walked out of my home a rather large grasshopper jumped over my shoulder—I heard a micro-metallic bang—and the grasshopper came plummeting back over my shoulder and slid across the sidewalk. It was grasshopper antics at their finest.
Since when did they become so lively?
2009: The year of Clint & Cassie. I get the feeling it's their way of celebrating.

can you confirm or deny the time?

• Did you ever find out anything about the meridiem fiasco?
• My best resources intimate that post meridiem is technically correct—but nothing just wants to tell us straight-up. The Chicago Manual of Style mentions post meridiem, but says nothing about post meridian at all, for example.
• So post meridiem is most correct and there is no post meridian?
• I am satisfied that meridian only exists on its own (as a noun) and meridiem only exists with a prefix, ante or post, (as an adjective).

what? no. oh eww.

What has become of you sir?
Tore my right calf in an ultimate frisbee game. SNAP! But it's almost better.
You should try to injure yourself above the waist for a change. At any rate, I wish you a speedy recovery.
True! Maybe I can recruit a cute lady to cause a little lip trauma :P

girl power

You did some impressive things in my dream last night, including a quadruple backflip from the pulpit landing in a seated position on a pew — amidst a full congregation no less!
Whoa. That is pretty impressive. It's all because I talked to that girl.

i was taught to call them pissants

I've got ants in my plants!
In the basil?!
Yes! Ants!
What do we do?!
I don't know. For now I have removed the pot from the windowsill and placed it in a presumably ant-proof zone.
How did ants get 2 floors up and find that basil? Are there ants anywhere else in your house?
Never been ants here before.
Oh dear... do you think we will have to get rid of the plant or maybe transplant it to another location outside?
I just don't know anymore... It's getting so big and anty that it will almost certainly require a plan of action soon.

click text below to follow my latest life

Do you still have a mustache?
I woke up and it was gone!

which would also explain the amplification

Why do people put a fist in front of their mouth when coughing? It does nothing!
Only if they pucker their lips into their fist will it work.
This lady, one of the SEOs I hate, has been coughing WAY too loud, so I was spying and seeing what she was doing wrong, and it's that she is coughing onto a fist that she holds about 6 inches in front of her mouth.
Like she's holding an imaginary microphone to cough into?
Exactly.

this isn't rocket science

So, help me out here. What's the opposite of rocket science?
Like, actual rocket science, or the term rocket science?
Well, the term, but I think you have to go somewhat literal to figure it out.
[conversation too long and twisty and funny to duplicate here]
...So crudely drawn buffalo is the opposite of rocket science!
Yeah! Rocket science is the discipline of launching people and objects away from earth and it is only possible to the most advanced minds.
And crudely drawn buffalo is painted on the wall of a cave, within the earth, by the most degenerate mind.

may as well make it a tribute

1. How long have you known Bruce and in what capacity?
I've known 4-Slyce Bruce for nearly 8 years now. We served as LDS missionaries in Bulgaria. We attended BYU together and spent a semester as roommates during that time. We've been faithful members of the selfsame Pizza Club for 4 years now (thus the nickname "4-Slyce"). And we're good friends.
2. How would you say he deals in cross-cultural situations?
4-Slyce is, no joke, probably the best "people person" that I know. Cultural differences can't touch him; he simply transcends them. He has a social network the size of Olympus Mons and—though predominantly white—its constituents come from all sorts of cultures and countries. Answer: He deals very well.
3. How would you say he navigates challenges?
A humble man, 4-Slyce is not afraid to seek advice from any of his many knowledgeable sources. That is his strength. He will always find a way to navigate his challenges even if it means involving a friend or family member.
4. Do you feel that there are any “red flags” that we should be aware of?
Nah. This is 4-Slyce Bruce we're talking about, after all.

from the mouths of babes

If you weren’t a Mormon, what would you be?
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't be too different—because I can't stand irresponsibility.
(correct answer: a giant)
Well, I know I certainly wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be in the same place I am now.
Yeah, true, I guess I wouldn't be the same person I am.
Ah ha. I know exactly what I'd be if I weren’t a Mormon.
What?
A recluse.
Like a hermit?
Yeah. I would live a solitary life—probably growing bitter toward humanity as I brooded and wrote my misunderstood stories and songs.
Oh, you'd be one of those.
Yep.
I'd probably be out looking for old, nearly dead, rich guys to marry.
A grave robber?
A gold digger. You were close.

what do you mean

What do a civilization's laws say about its people?
Well, if laws govern, then the laws may indicated areas where the people do not do a good job of governing themselves.
Good. What do you mean?
Um, I don't know. I mean, I do know what I mean… I just already said it how I meant it.

be gentle with me

• My dear friend Jimmy Nelson came frightfully close to breaking my leg today.
•• Oh my goodness! Are you okay?!
• Yeah. Just experiencing some blunt force trauma.
•• Does it hurt to walk on it?
• It's bearable. I'll try again in a bit. Right now it's under ice.

anticlimactics

I'm rich.
That's awesome! Make sure you're planning for your retirement.
Don't you want to know how?
Certainly.
From my bro.
That's quite the story.
I thought you would like it.

i'm crazy about this guy. crazy.

You will love this. Right? Because A: It's Kristofer Åström. And because B: It's almost as if Matt Pond is playing the music and Kristofer Åström is singing the song.

Nice. Me like. Much love while listening.

a star is born

» What's up? I hope you have fun at your party.
»» Thanks, Randy. I'm still a little bit sick, which is annoying. What are you up to?
» Kicking the neighbor's butt in B-ball.

trying to tell a story

• So, you know how everyone, at least once, has shot the ball on the wrong hoop before?
••• ...
• Well, I grabbed the ball on the rebound and somebody hit my arm and made me shoot the ball...
••••• No one hit your arm!
• Yes they did!
••••• No they didn't!
• Well, I grabbed the ball and for a second I thought it was our hoop and I started to shoot, but when I remembered, someone hit my arm and made me shoot it on the wrong hoop.
••••• No they didn't. You shot it on the wrong hoop. It's okay.
• Well it was right after half time so we had just switched sides.
••••• No it wasn't.
• Yeah it was.
••••••• It was.
••••• Okay, fine. It was.
• And the refs were making fun of me like they have never shot on the wrong hoop before.
••••• Maybe they haven't.
• No, they have. EVERYONE HAS.
••••••••• They're like 12.
• I'm 12.
••••••••• I know. Actually, I thought you were 11.

good news! from the new cmo (with classic getting-old joke)

••• Okay, I’ve broken through the red tape. It may take a couple days for IT to get past its current projects and get to you, but everyone on the Web Marketing team will get admin access to their machines courtesy of Rich Foster. Enjoy!
••••• Thank you. When I am administering to my computer I will be thinking of you.
••• I am already feeling the warmth. Oh, maybe that’s just my Depends.

confidence

» You are a good-looking man. You are a good-looking man.
« Are you talking to yourself, Richard?
» Yes. Richard, you are a good-looking man.

renewed awe

— Um, I don't think it's a good idea to take Randy to temples.
— That's why, no matter how hard he tries, we need to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House just you and I.

first counselor, but not for long

^ Will you not marry me?
^ No.

you can see, she can sew

{} The bag is a big hit sweetheart! Nobody even believes that I did it... They asked if I used some kind of kit.
{} Yes! In their faces! I'm so happy for you.

lewis is put out about it

» Is that a "Lewis" Oh boy or an "I just found ten dollars in my pocket" Oh boy?
» I think you know the answer to that. The latter is almost always followed by an exclamation point and almost never preceded by "Lewis said."

new pizza president takes action

I saw Sensei yesterday for the first time since his wedding.
Was he walking around without his wife?
His wife was sick. I stopped by his house to take away his pizza club shirt.

sometimes the best pat is an absent pat

• That guy's got a droopy eyelid.
• It's a fake eye.
• No it's not!
• Yes it is!
• No you don't!
• ??
• Um... you don't know that.

now that i talk to 12-year-olds

Have you ever had ranch sauce on pizza?
Actually, yeah, I have. A number of times.
It's disgusting!
I think it can be pretty good sometimes, depending on the pizza.
I know the kid that invented it.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he was the type of kid who would dip a cookie in barbecue sauce.

understanding the family dog

• Why do you hate me?
• It's not that I hate you; it's just that, when you do certain things, you look really stupid.

first blood botch

» It was my first time giving blood.
» Ooh, I love giving blood! How was it?
» It was okay, I guess. Not great.
» Really? I like pumping that blood out as fast as possible.
» Well, the thing is, it took forever. Those hotshot Walburg Brothers showed up like 10 minutes after I did, and they still got out of there before I even donated a drop of blood.
» What happened?
» So, first, I guess I wasn't in the right line so a few people edged me out that way, but I still went in before the Walburgs. I took my little test and was seated with reasonable speed, but then I kept getting passed off from volunteer to volunteer. While my nurses were telling people to come watch me for a sec, the Walburgs were being seated and hooked up. Finally, my original nurse came back and apologized for the wait. Then she plugged a needle into my left arm, but she was all, "Kim can you come over here?"
» Oh no.
» So, I didn't dare look at my arm, but apparently the needle was in yet no blood was coming out. Then Kim tries adjusting the needle and they're both like, "eep." At that point I look at my arm and it's pretty well covered in blood.
» Oh man.
» I'm getting a little worried, and they start asking me if I'm alright, and I can only tell them "if you say I'm alright then I'm alright," and they say I'm alright. And I was. So then they switched me to a different chair and did my right arm, but by the time I was switching to my new chair, those hotshot Walburg Brothers were already done and out the door.