my new companion

What's up?
Home teaching in 5.5 hours. What's up?
Getting pumped.

How the MASK Stole Christmas

© Do you like How the Grinch Stole Christmas?
® Well, I haven't watched it since like Y2K, so I don't remember really.
© Well, I've never really liked it and I think I figured out why: because it reminds me too much of The Mask. It might as well be a sequel to it.
® So, How the Mask Stole Christmas.

there were babies at kneaders

I know you've got more important things to worry about than an old sandwich, so here's what I'm going to do: I'll eat your sandwich (probably) for lunch. But don't be mad 'cuz I will make it up to you. Possibly by buying you another sandwich or food item of equal or greater value.
Be careful!...there are onions in it.
Thanks, I will. I will be wary of your germs as well.
I have not the slightest idea of what you are talking about (girls don't have germs).
Excellent! I'll take your word for it. But if I find even one germ...
...If you find one germ and show it to me, I will write you the best letter of apology you have ever seen.

taking the blame

You phrase things strange.
That's my fault.

Christmas isn't about money

Any word on Christmas bonuses?
They're giving away thousands like it's nothing this year. Big stockings full of hot, sweaty cash.
Right on. Just like the ones I wear.

so says sierra

» My parents live in Blanding, and my brother lives in Bountiful.
« I have brothers, and they live in Blanding.
» Oh? What are their names?
« ...Grandma and Grandpa.

i love a good nickname

° did you make up leadbottom?
` no. i was/still am called that as a child. my grandpa started it. cuz i insisted on walking but couldn't go fast and couldn't make it over puddles etc.
° does bottom refer to the bottom of your feet, or just bottom?
` bottom. of my body. my bottom.
° that word is doing weird things to my brain right now.
` yeah. we'll work on putting lead in front of it tomorrow.
° okay.

prehistoric pet experience

›› Mandrake just molted right before my eyes. It was awesome.
» Oh, I'm sad I missed it. That's cool though.
›› It might have been his last molt, actually. It looks a little like he's dying now.
» Oh no, sad. Take pictures. For posterity.
›› Definitely. And then the quaint little desk is yours... I think he pulled out of the post-molt funk! Maybe that's normal?
» Good. He is the immortal one after all.

sunday mash

What does MASH stand for?
Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House.
Oh, really?
Yeah. That's where it comes from.
I always thought a mash was like a crush.
Like, I have the biggest mash on this girl?
Yeah. Not that I ever said that—I have a massive mash.
I like it.
But it's more than a crush. It's a crush that is your perfect match.
And that's how you get MASH.

Real Salt Lake Playoffs // Game 1 // Nov. 1, 4pm

› So you got your tickets from Mr. Barnes?
» Yep. Up on the balcony. I think I’m going to like them. Have you been up there?
› No. I’d be interested to see what it’s like.
» I’m afraid I might like them better than my season tickets.
› If there’s enough interest I hope they offer them for season tickets.
» Yeah. That’d be perfect, based on liking to see the entire field. And I’m not like Darren—I don’t need the players and refs to hear me.
› They don’t hear him. That’s the thing. He hears himself and that’s enough. Hearing himself is all the vindication he needs.

where does denver do its pizza

§ I think we should eat at the best pizza place in all of Denver while we're there.
£ A Denver local recommended Beau Jo's. One problem though, the local is a girl.
§ Girls can't be trusted in pizza matters. According to Citysearch the best pizza is Virgilio's Napoletana.
£ Then again, Citysearch has The Pie at #1 and Litza's at #4, with only 3 good places in the top 10.
§ Beau Jo's website has someone mountain biking on pizza though.
£ That is undeniable.

first cassava

• I just realized that that cake tastes like a sweet, soft, moist, cheeseless Cheeto.
• Sick.
• I'm serious. I tasted Cheeto. It was good.
• Cheetos are a scourge on this earth.
• You oppose them?
• The whole world should reject them. They are vile. No cheese is bright orange. Without artificial means.
• Indeed. But you love the Tagalog cake.
• Cassava cake.

the temple, your nuptials

»» Dude, another ex of yours is sealed forever!!!!
» Shhhh. She's online. She could hear you.
»» I know, sorry, that was loud. What's ttyn? Is that secret married code?
» I guess. I was trying to figure it out.
»» Are you allowed to chat with her?
» No way! You're not either. She's married.
»» Ta ta you numbskull...?
» Hey, yeah?
»» I think that's what it is.
» Nincompoop?
»» Does she love Mean Girls?
» I wouldn't put it past her. She loves some movies. Take turns yes no.
»» Hmmmm. To Tom yield necking....? Is Tom her husband's name?
» Almost. It's not, though. Take time young neighbor. Maybe tool time, young neighbor. Isn't that what Wilson says?
»» Hmmm, maybe. Another favorite show of hers?
» Yeah. Tim Taylor, your neighbor.

better than monday

» Are you in that meeting? I totally forgot about it.
» Meeting?
» Apparently our quarterly update meeting was today at 8:30.
» Huh. Oops.
» Don't worry, we can hear it through the floor.

preservingmarriage.org // proposition eight // video 1

• I don’t see how same sex marriage really hurts anyone else. Really, what’s the harm?
• If Proposition 8 fails, there are a whole bunch of consequences. Did you know that churches that rent out their facilities for marriages could be forced to allow same sex marriage ceremonies on their properties?
• And because the California Supreme Court has made same sex marriage a fundamental right, legal defenses based on religious freedoms are less likely to succeed.
• If Proposition 8 fails, religious adoption agencies may be forced to place children in same sex marriages or discontinue providing adoption services altogether. That’s what happened with Catholic charities in Massachusetts after its courts imposed same sex marriages.
• Based on past experience, those who oppose same sex marriage on religious grounds will be increasingly labeled as intolerant, and subjected to legal penalties or social ridicule; it’s already happening in the debate over Prop 8. Some who support traditional marriage are having their careers threatened. This won’t be limited to California as its powerful influence is felt across the country.
• Did you know that nearly all public schools in California provide education about health and sexuality? If Prop 8 fails, children will be taught that marriage is between Party A and Party B, regardless of gender.
• Children will be taught that same sex marriages are the equal of traditional marriages. There will be serious clashes between the public schools and parents who desire to teach their children their own values and beliefs.
• If Proposition 8 fails, it will affect everyone. For example, the change of the legal definition of marriage could narrow personal liberties. Some have already been lost—like photographers who prefer not to photograph gay weddings and doctors who prefer not to perform artificial insemination of gays, even when there are other willing doctors.
• It’s been said, “the right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” You see, although the argument of redefining marriage is couched in happiness or equal rights, it’s really about gaining control, forcing all of us to give up the very foundation of speech and religious freedoms on which this country was founded.

big furniture worship

• Hey, I was wondering if you could help us out with something. We need a bunch of guys to help us move the couch upstairs downstairs. And the couch downstairs upstairs. And the same with both big screens. Can you help with a bunch of people today?
» Do you have to move them tonight? I'm in St. George, and I'll probably get home between 8 and 9. I'd be happy to help tomorrow. Is it a necessity tonight?
• Yeah, a necessity tonight. If you could get 5 guys that would be awesome.
» Are you in church?
• No.
» Okay. If you could text me the reason for the Sunday night move and a time, I can text my roommate at church, and he could ask for volunteers in quorum.
• We just can't move some of it cuz it's heavy. James wants the basement all to himself and all of us upstairs, so we have to flip-flop everything. It wouldn't take even an hour.
» I still don't understand why it can't wait until tomorrow. I don't feel good about enlisting people to work on Sunday doing something that could be done Monday.
• Because this is the last day I will have off for a while and same for them.
» Well I could probably grab a couple guys when I get back. Who planned this thing anyway?
• Nobody, we just all have today off.

jim carrey, my secretary (secrecarrey)

» Hey I'm going to be a few minutes late, as nature started to call just as I was walking out the door!

» Who is this, Ace Ventura?

» Allllrighty then!

matthew 18:1–4

• Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
• Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

ultimately not funny

+ Is Steve here?
- No.
+ Is your dad here?
- I wish! He’s in jail.

front desk over the wall

Thank you for calling XanGo, this is Kathy.
(phone talk phone talk phone talk)
It's a dietary supplement drink.
(more phone talk more phone talk)
Uh, no, it isn't Papa John's.

The Escaped W.W. Phelps

:: Say, stranger, G--d damn you, what is your name?
:: You damned rascals, what is yours?
:: Oh, you are one of the real breed. By G--d, no damned Mormon could counterfeit that language, you swear real natteral; hurrah for old Kentuck. But whar mought you live, stranger?
:: Just up here; you mout a kno'd me, and then agin you moutn't. I think I've seed you all a heap o' times, but I've been so damned drunk at the fourth of independence, I hardly know myself or anybody else, but hurrah for old Kentuck; and what about the damn'd Mormons?
:: What about `em? egad, you'd a know'd that without axin', if you'd a seed `em run.
:: What! they are not out of prison, are they?
:: Out of prison! Yes, the damn'd rascals raised a flag of liberty in open day, and burst out, and down stars right in the midst of the public celebration, out rassling the damn'd jailer, and outrunning the whole town in a fair foot race. They reached the timber jist as they war overtaken, but afore we could cotch `em they mounted their nags, and the way they cleared was a caution to Crockett. We tuk one on `em, and seed the other two a few feet distant, rushin' their nags at full speed, but we couldn't cotch `em nor shoot `em either; I raised my new Kentucky rifle, fresh loaded and primed, with a good percussion, and taking fair aim at one of their heads only a few yards distant, I fired, but the damn'd cap burst, and the powder wouldn't burn.
:: Well, now, stranger, that's a mighty big story and seems enemost onpossible. Did you say you cotched one on `em? Why I'd a tho't you'd a kilt him on the spot; what have you done with him?
:: They tuk him back to prison, I suppose, but it was only the old one. If it had been one o' them tother chaps we would a skinn'd `em as quick as Crockett would a coon, and then eat `em alive without leaving a grease spot.

Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, Ch. 33

since i reserved the right

It slid out of my bag and I just let it go when I realized that my socks didn't match, and I decided I better just get to the meeting—

—The fasten-seatbelt sign is on, so it's safe for you to stay seated as well as those around you.

getting married guy

i went shopping for my ring yesterday. it was hard because i had no idea what a cool ring is.
it's hard to know.
yeah, because rings aren't cool.
you might as well be trying to pick out a cool necklace.

all day shopping

º There are so many ugly tops in the world.

º And they all want you to wear them.

* Alternate ending: And they all want you to spin them.

chadder's

—I just looked—I don't think they gave you any cheese!

—Those cads! More like Cadders.

konik polne

1. I drove all the way to work with a grasshopper on my dashboard. It was making me so nervous.

2. I should think it would be a nerve-tantalizing affair. At any moment it could have fluttered into a claustrophobic frenzy, slapping your face at least once, guaranteed, probably just to the side of your mouth making you realize that you should keep your mouth closed while freaking out.

multiplicity (work on cultural sensitivity)

• Does she like P*lack Jokes?
• I don't think so. We talked about it once. But that was a long time ago.
• Does she get mad about them?
• Nah.
• It's not like I like them or anything. Just curious. P*lack jokes are actually really dumb. Second dumbest to blonde jokes. That are actually interchangeable. Just change P*lack to Blonde.
• Yeah. I think the word P*lack is kind of funny though, even though I think it's offensive to the Polish people.
• It's like Spaniard to the Spanish people I think. I didn't understand what a P*lack was forever, but I knew the jokes like the back of my hand.
• Yeah. I think that's why I liked the word. Coz I always just had a weird image of what a P*lack was in my mind, completely unassociated with Poland.
• I imagined guys that looked like Gilligan for some reason, or even more like the little guy on Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
• Ha. I imagined a pale, bald, doughy type of clone person.
• Not even a real person? That's crazy.
• Like on Multiplicity, even though this was before its time, how each clone gets stupider. I imagined that's why they were so stupid.
• Oh. Like the Michelin Man?
• A little bit. Michelin Man's body with a Mr. Clean head.
• Ha. So Krang's body then.
• Haha. Yes. Basically, a P*lack was Krang to me.
• I can see that I guess. I did always picture them in gray mechanic- or inmate-like jumpsuits too. I don't know where that came from.
• Yeah. I don't think they ever had separate pants from shirts in my mind. Some sort of onesy.
• I wonder why that is. It is definitely dopier looking.
• I think I would really be into P*lack Jokes if that's really what P*lacks were.
• That's true. I think that's what ruined them was finding out what a P*lack really was.

more to murray

) You are good at me getting a couch.
( ?. I'm not quite sure what that means. I'm pretty sure that's a compliment though...
) Yeah. And I liked the way it sounded, confusing though it may be.

delorean+garage≠good fit

) I need my Christmas bonus to be HUGE.
) We all do. I hope it's 100-fold my last bonus.
) I hope mine is at least worth a Mercedes Benz.
) Or a Delorean? Which you can just buy now.
) But it would never work in my garage!
) Hahaha. That is so true!
) It seems like it would wreak havoc in most garages. I wonder if anyone just bought one and then drove it into their garage, only to have havoc wrought.
) Drove into their garage, never to leave again because it is a prison. And they are still there today.
) I'm sure it's happened.

draft saved 12/10/07

) Meanwhile I think I'm on the verge of getting that 27-year-old for my date.
) Aha.
) That is, if she don't have plans that night.
) Should make for an interesting night.
) If she can't make it, then surely I will be stag. Slint the shameful stag.
) Prolly not the only one.
) True.
) You should try harder as EQP. You have a standard to set. The standard of truth needs to be erected.
) Yeah, well I'm to the point now where all I want is 27.
) Did you ask her?
) No. I just met her. Finally. We hit it off nicely, but I didn't have a clear window to ask her for it. We hung out a little last night with a bunch of people, and a bunch of people at midnight wasn't a good place for me. She asked me to give the spiritual thought at FHE tonight. So I will do that, then BAM!
) Nice. You could've said, "I will if YOU WILL go out with me." BAM!
) Yeah, I thought of that later. BAM!
) I think after you ask her out, you should actually say "BAM!" Maybe wait until she says yes, though, in case you scare the crap out of her.
) Ha. I will plan on it. Maybe pound my fist on the nearest table, too.
) For effect.
) It would be sweet if I had some boards or bricks there that I could karate chop in half. For effect.
) Or just do the karate kid move, the crane? Just kick whatever's closest to you.
) Ha. This is going to be great.

merriment

) too much merriment going on around me at the office. i need to do something to break everyone's spirits so i can get some work done...
) hmm. how best to break their spirits... tell them they are ugly?

the elusive tan

hopefully you can get a tan while you're gone.
yeah, hopefully i can.
you'll be in hawaii, how can you not?
you'd be surprised how i can not.

trespassers william

) I already looked into expunging my criminal history record. It looks doable.
) Ha. Hacking the computers?
) That's one way. My way involves more trespassing.
) Well, since you're a budding pro, I say go for it.
) I think I've learned what to do and what not to do.
) No gloves, no fu man chu facial hair, no crazy skateboarding friends.
) Exactly. I work alone now. No accomplices, including mustaches.

ex-fc

Your brother!
I know
Sucks

hot eats. cool treats. strong words.

I hate you, Ken.
Well, you didn't get me ice cream.
You didn't ask for ice cream—
You coulda thought about me.
—and you're on a diet.

takotsubo cardiomyopathy

Wow, some friend I am. I guess I'm just all talk these days. But seriously, last night was the stupidest thing I've been a part of.
Was that an apology?
Yes. Seems like I have to apologize every day.
Hey, crazy stuff happens, what do you do?
Just apologize, then send your friends to work in their nicest or dirtiest clothes.
Job well done then.

in its place

• more personal?
• more inspirational at least
• yes
• preferably both
• oh! sincere!
• of course, how could i forget

assonance, consonance, alliteration

They usually give things like silk shirts.
They gave me cowboy boots.
That's not too different a gift for the Giffords to give.
I guess.

off the hook—a tribute

) How does that make you feel?
) Off the hook.
) Like, "man, that party was off the hook!"?
) No. No, no, no. Well, yes, I suppose like that... but I mean I am literally off the hook. Now that Runnerka has that boyfriend and Cheeks has her fiancé, I think I get to be guiltless.
) Literally, no more meat hook in your back. Making you bleed literal blood.
) No more Eagle Claw treble hook in my gullet.
) So you are feeling good about all that.
) I am feeling good about all that, and jealous about all them.

NOTE: gullet kind of sounds like guilt, so... make a metaphor out of that?

scab city fiction

“You just wakin’, Thick? Tell us about scab city.”
“Scab city is hell.”
“Population: 100?”
“Population: at least.”

business practice

) They just hired 2 new non-4-Slyces.
) They are just loading up on non-4-Slyces.
) This is ridiculous. And there's no space for them. Everyone keeps going nuts trying to figure out where they will sit and I keep telling them that there would be plenty of room for all if we had just hired 1 4-Slyce instead of 5 girls.
) Sheesh. Hiring everybody but 4-Slyce.
) I am thinking that he didn't get hired because he's a boy.
) That's not good business practice. We've been hiring lots of girls too, instead of boys that can play soccer with us and that won't cause affairs.
) I just asked out loud if they are only hiring girls on purpose and they said "that's discriminating," but I think that's what they are thinking—that clients like dealing with girls better, or something like that.
) Surely. I don't like dealing with girls better. I like it worse. Much, much worse.
) Me too. I can't fathom how much more enjoyable work would be with 4-slyce here. I know everyone would love him. And he could ask the 5 girls on dates all day long. Like ALL day.

with long hair

} That's you?
) Yeah.
} Really??
) Yep.
} That one right there, that's you??
) Yes.
} ... No way. That one??
) No. Not that manly one—
) —Isn't that your mom?
) Oh yeah, I guess it is.

tracker

) maybe you should consider a career in tracking of some sort.
} if by "a career in tracking" you mean "a career in spending the night in dinosaur tracks" then consider it considered.

soccer fan lesson fan

} They need to get a result, or only lose by one, and that not occurring in injury time.
) Only lose by one?? Is that what this once proud club has devolved into? It doesn't matter if we lose by one or five. It's all about the result at this point. PPG. Nothing else. The Kreis clock is ticking, and no "moral losses" will help.
} You know what? I say screw that. I follow the team because I like soccer, and I like the idea that I have a team to support, and if I think the team played well I reserve my right to be perfectly happy with a 1-point road loss to a team that may well be the best in the league. Especially with a group of guys who met in February. Screw that "culture of defeat" and "moral losses" crap and allow me a modicum of liberty in determining how good I perceive the product on the field to be. I think (and I don't want to blow anyone's mind or anything, but I'm crazy like this) that I could even be unhappy with a 1-0 win if I thought we played sloppy ball and lucked our way into an odd goal. How's them apples? Unhappy with 3 crap points, but satisfied with an occasional well-played loss? Hell yeah. If that makes me a bad soccer fan (don't give me crap about it being "a way of life" in other places, because I just don't care), then so be it, but please don't tell me how to judge my team.

triangles 072406

) which triangle do you think you are:
isosceles
acute
equilateral
scalene
or right triangle?

) isosceles?
maybe?
i'd hate to be acute or obtuse
or right
scalene maybe
i like that
isos or scal

) i like the way isoscelesees look

) me too
but i like the definition of scalene
and i like the sound of them both

) in all reality you're probably scalene

) agreed

) what are the odds of having two sides the same?

) 15-20%

) negligable

spelling 061506

) how do you spell braziere? brazeer?
) the first. but not quite. brassiere.
) whoa. that's classy.
) yeah. they are.

synonyms 051906

) Rick said your girlfriend is cute.
) I'm glad Rick admits to you what he'd never say to me.
) He said "She's kinda cute." Just for your records.
) He said to me, "Why's one eye bigger than the other?"

o salvador

) Should I ask Lisa if she's single?
} Why wouldn't she be?
) Well... why wouldn't she be? ... I mean, why couldn't she be?
} That's what I just said!
) I mean, she could be dating someone.

wherever we are ))(( jacob 5:20 & 21

) How comest thou hither to plant this tree, or this branch of the tree? For behold, it was the poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard.
) Counsel me not; I knew that it was a poor spot of ground; wherefore, I said unto thee, I have nourished it this long time, and thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit.

i need a ride home (pass the buck)

} you wanna come to my house after work?
} again? i want to go to bed is what.
} you should come over.
} meh.
} just for a second.
} i think sally was talking about wanting to go to your house. right, sal? after work? just for a second?
) huh?
} is that true?
) so confused.
} james wants to have you over.
} yeah, you should come.

koalas

) i like their attitude, all silent and lazy
) so chill
) and it could hold your wallet for you. in its pocket
) and their big noses are like muppet noses
) yes! those noses are hilarious

timely, from the visual infant

} I enjoy things way too much before they even happen, not quite enough while they happen, and not at all right after they're over. Is that wrong?

} So maybe, when they don't happen it's like "big deal" to you, since the exciting part is over anyway. (Can anybody say Iceland? Can you?)

i couldn't have said it better myself. no one could.

} I like thinking of a literal "power point" though. Like this dot glowing with power.
) hahaha. But what kind of power?
} I don't know. I never got that far. Not priesthood.

) Wizard power?

} haha I like that. I laughed until I coughed.

in and out

) i like the looks of this weather! all snow piles are nearly gone! oh i guess i should go check on the snow-keep in the gateway parking lot... the pile of snow there is SO HUGE. under the overpass.
) my garage ice speed bumps have melted away.
) excellent. now you can roll out of your garage with ease?
) yes! and fast. with speed.

morning monolahg

} Stupid bet.
} Not stupid bet. Awesome bet.
} Awesome thing to say.
} Not awesome thing to say. Stupid thing to say.
} Overall: awesome thing to say.

looks like type

) is that what you're doing right neow?
) i can't decide if "neow" looks more like "neon" or "meow."
) it looks like "neo wow."

holding up my end

) Who is that cowboy guy again? That video you sent me? Of that cowboy? Who was that? What was that?
) Doug Radnitch?
) Yeah. I just couldn't remember that name. And I knew it was a memorable name. Okay.
) Doug Radnitch.

EDIT: probably spelled radnich(?)

the earth quoke me up

} I woke up and could've sworn my bed was shaking.
} My exact thoughts! I was like, "Why in the world is my bed shaking? It does not shake."
} I thought maybe for some reason just I was shaking in my bed.
} Rad! I just had my first earthquake! First of many I hope!
} Yeah! I'm happy because I totally slept through one in St. George and everyone was talking about it, but I was not a part of it.
} That sucks!
} I've waited many years for this.
} Now you are the one you will tell them the tale of an earthquake!
} Precisely.

mean?

) he told me he has 3 valentines! i guarentee zero valentines.
) yeah. he was telling me that too over the internet. and how they aren't "officially his valentines" but how he can joke with them and be all, "hey, it's valentine's day, so..." you know.
) yea he said that exact sentence to me.
) of course he did.
) like they will go along with it and then forget they aren't his valentine. and all the sudden there's three babes in his bed.
) and somehow he believes it. insanely optimistic.
) he actually beleives 3 out of 3 will show up instead of 0!!! . . . 3!!!!!!
) i wish i could watch each one as he delivers his valentimes line.
) when he delivers it to their voicemail.

way out in the eagle mountain of albequerque. freaks.

} Out of temp housing yet?

} Yeah. In an apartment twice the size of our Salt Lake one. Real nice. Room. But we're going to build a house. Got a lot right now, just working out the plans and a loan. It should be built in about 6 months

} That sounds very very nice

} Yeah, I think it will rock. It's affordable to us only because it's in the undeveloped part of town. Kinda like Eagle Mountain only not so far away.

} Ha. Albequerque's Eagle Mountain. That is adventuresome. I just pulled a 3-inch-long hair from the back of my arm, just blowing in the breeze. gross.

} Um, regarding the hair, was that your own or a guest?
} Ha. It was mine. Growing rampantly unchecked. A rogue, mind you.

} Yeesh. I hate those. I sometimes get a long hair in my eyebrow.

} They are a nuisance.

} And they're lighter in color. Freaks.

girl talk goes full circle

) I just mean people like the idea of me more than the actuality of me. They like the idea of being with an artsy type, etc.
} Alright... I guess that's you, the artsy type. Maybe the idea of you is just so good that it's hard to live up to. Therefore, I propose that you need to change the idea of you. No more of this artsy stuff.
) What do you mean?
} No more black turtlenecks and French berets ...seriously, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I wasn't being too serious.
) I know. 
} How into the aquarium idea are you these days, on a scale of Shrimp to Whale? •((the shorthand scale))•

) Haha. I'd still love to see it.
} Hmmm. Interestingly worded. No sea creatures whatsoever...
) A sea turtle then.
} Eh, okay.
) More than an urchin for sure. But less than a great white. Or something.
} Ha. Yeah. I know where the sea turtle fits in the scale. I think it means you like the idea of it more than the actuality of it. Or maybe the opposite.

Scale of Shrimp to Whale

1.shrimp 2.crab 3.urchin 4.eel 5.sea turtle 6.octopus 7.dolphin 8.shark 9.sailboat 10.whale

a valuable lesson // part 3 •//• i'm a real-life idiot sometimes // part 3 as well

(via text message)
} Am I seriously G-chatting with your sister about rubbers?
) Ha, ha ha. That is funny, outloud. Wow, I'm sorry, I need to tell her to sign out. Wow.
} Man, I am dying here.
) Ha, I'm laughing out loud in my filing room, filing and laughing. Sorry man, that was a mean trick on you.
} Yeah, but a well-devised lesson on not using pervert metaphors.
) Ha, I'm glad to hear that the lesson was learned.

a valuable lesson // part 2 •//• i'm a real-life idiot sometimes // part 2 as well

(via messenger program)
} You still got your rubber on?
) This is his sister. He called from work to have me check his email, I promise.
} 4-Slyce...
) And what rubber are you referring to, should I be worried? I promise this is Marian, you can even call him, he's filing for $XX/hour.
} Ha. It's a metaphorical rubber. Awesome.
) Gotcha. Glad it's metaphorical :)

a valuable lesson // part 1 •//• i'm a real-life idiot sometimes // part 1 as well

(via phone call)
) So, we’ll keep in touch.
} Yeah. Let’s keep the rubber where it meets the road.
) Yeah. Okay. We’ll be in contact about the slumber party.
} K. We’ll keep our rubbers on.
) ! ??
} That’s the new metaphor for keeping in touch.
) Alright.
} Okay. Let’s keep our rubbers on. Later.
) Bye.

protectin' the box // diffusin' the aftershox

V C'mon, Joel. I'd rather not get these mega-mass-madness emails—that's just not what this account is for. Thanks, man.
+ Clifton. You are something else! Don't worry I won't send you a d*mn thing again!
V Ha. Joel. I knew you'd understand. Sorry for being so protective of my inbox, but I'm just kinda particular about this one. How's life in the branch?
+ Clifton. It is good, and life is good! How are you doing?

i love DI folk

DI—Is it cold in here?
Me/I—It's not so bad.
DI—I had to pull a jacket off one of the racks.
Me/I—Well I'm doing okay.
DI—You'll understand when you're my age and a woman.

what a prophet, what a granddad

president gordon b. hinckley ||
We have just approved your Skywest loan.
my granddad sidney j. atkin ||
Thank you, and I want you to know that my daughter Natalie and her husband thought so much of you that they named their first son Gordon after you.
president gordon b. hinckley ||
I want you to know that we are on our way to Austraila to name a temple after you.

perfection

GIRL how tall are you? are you tall?
BOY I am perfect. 6 feet 0.
GIRL ha. okay.
BOY that is the one thing i am perfect at.
GIRL and that's something.
BOY yeah! i just realized how proud i am of that.
GIRL apparently.

winner! me

- I totally found out where "checkmate" fits into the "helpmeet" conversation
# ha. you win a prize
- and I didn't even study any chess
# perfect

egg lady relationships

it's died, i think.
:
whilst you were away?
:
maybe. yeah. she smells like eggs.
:
ha. there was this girl way back in my 4-year-old cali days that smelled like eggs. I still remember her.
:
whoa. i can't kiss a mouth that smells like eggs.
:
no way no way no how
:
she can't smell it, but i can. so eggy
:
have you brought it up?
:
oh yeah
:
really??
:
i started by asking her if she'd had eggs recently
:
ha
:
it didn't go over so well
:
that kills me. awesome. probably kills her in a different way. and you, in still another
:
it's hard to date some who smells like eggs even after they brush their teeth. how do you kiss an egg mouth?
:
is it all in the breath? or is it in the skin?
:
mostly the mouth. there were times when i'd get close to kissing her. then i'd smell old eggs and change my mind
:
so you never kissed her? eggs from day 1?
:
i did before, a long time ago ... the eggs seem to be a new development. dead eggs mouth
:
how old was she?
:
29
:
old enough for her eggs to go rotten
:
somebody else can decorate that easter egg
:
ha. nice one.

helpmeet

- Could you believe how much he said "helpmeet?"
# ha. no. but i really like that word
- you really like it??
# yeah
- I can't take it serious
# or do i hate it? ha. helpmeet
- I think it's funny. But it didn't help his cause for me
# i think of helpmeat. or meetcute
- ha. I think of trackmeet
# ha. i just liked to hear him keep saying it. for some reason
- It was killing me. so, in a way, I like it, but I couldn't be inspired because of it as well
# it blocks inspiration? that's serious
- I refuse to marry a helpmeet
# ha. meathelp
- ha. and ?. you can also spell it helpmate
# you like helpmate more? i like it less
- I don't like it more. I don't think I like it at all. But I also feel like I could be convinced to like it more, somehow. it makes me think of that glove. that one that helps make Hamburger Helper. that is a helpmate
# gross. yeah, mate, in general, i'm not fond of. i don't want to be a mate. i think of socks. and now that stupid glove
- socks! I don't get that. being called a mate is like being called a breeder
# helpbreed
- ew. I want you to explain the socks thing though
# socks have mates. like, the only time i hear anyone really say the word mate is saying 'does this sock have a mate?'
- I didn't know people said that
# i don't think i've ever heard anyone say that. but that's what's in my head
- ok
///// /// / /// // // /// /// ///// //
- I feel like checkmate fits in this conversation somewhere, but I'm not sure where
# eh
- If I knew more about chess, then I'm sure it would have a place, but not knowing chess well enough, I guess it doesn't
# yeah. same here
//////BONUS///////
to the zero readers out there:
whoever can tell me where "checkmate" fits into that dialogue wins movie tickets!